|
|
|
|
THE SIMON
JEREMEY
INTERVIEW
Simon Jeremy has been a major force on the media front since he left university in 1991 to start a career as one of television and radios most powerful tools. He believes in truth, justice and honesty but he rarely minces his words. Having appeared on BBC's 1, 2, 4 and radio 1, 2 and Five Live he was forced to leave television after calling Tony Blair "a bit of a wanker" live on children's television. Since then he has written for over 50 publications including Orb, NME, The Daily Mail and Goolies. Orb are very proud to announce that they have an exclusive regular column with Simon Jeremy and hope that this is the start of a long and fruitful relationship with Simon and that there'll be no controversy and naughty words as we have seen previously.
About the Interviewee
King Solomon was one of Britain's freshest talents with two hit singles, the Brit for best newcomer 2002 and a hit album entitled 'Wot I Seds'. He was one of Britain's most controversial rappers, having been banned for releasing 400 live sheep at last years MEN arena concert while his backing band played the Welsh National Anthem. He was recently injured at Glastonbury festival when an angry animal rights protester threw a veggie burger at him. Shortly after that he was arrested for trying to steer his Porsche with his feet and been cautioned twice by the RSPCA. He was found dead two weeks ago in a hotel room having seemingly committed suicide. The police suspect no foul play. This was King Soloman's final known interview.
Note to reader. This is a transcript of an interview between Simon Jeremy and the rapper King Solomans final interview. As Im sure you are aware King Soloman commited suicide the day simon interviewed him by repeatedly banging his own head against a table. We hope that readers will remember him with happy memories. Unfortunately Simon wasnt available for comment on the interview, as he seems to have taken some kind of early holiday, so we’ve simply written down what was on the recording.
SJ: So, King Soloman, may I call you Solly?
KS: No.
SJ: (awkward pause), OK, Solly, how you doing? Im just here to ask you a few questions for our lovely readers. What are your opinions of joke rap group Goldie Lookin Chain?
KS: They suck nob. One day me an ma homies will be scopin the hood in ma Benz and then we'll proper drive by them innit.
SJ: That brings us onto our next point, what are your views on the relationship between violence and urban music?
KS: It's like the word of the ghetto, you know the streets, you know, where I was brought up, if tha's what's goin down then tha's what its about innit.
SJ: You say you were brought up 'in the ghetto'. Where about were you brought up precisely?
KS: erm.. you know… the hood.
KS: You know, where all them other rappers was brought up.
SJ: Which County is that?
KS: You know, mean streets, tough times, me mum was a hoe an me dad was never there.
SJ: Is that right, because we did a bit of research into you. Apparently you were brought up in Berkshire…
KS: Yea, that's it, the Berkshire hood.
SJ: … and that your father was in fact a University lecturer, who had a PhD in Anthropology.
KS: Yea, I didn't say he wasn't, I just said that he was never there that's all…
SJ: And your mother who you claim was a hoe was, and still is in fact, a rampant feminist who has written three books on the role of women in society, currently in the bestseller list.
KS: Look man, you've got the wrong guy.
SJ: How many King Solomans do you think there are in Berkshire?
KS: A few…
SJ: Of course, you were a child of the upper class, your best friend was Tarquin Henrysson, and your first girlfriend was called Mezzanine Hoyland, so you’re probably used to some fairly ridiculous names…
KS: I wasn't upper classed, more upper middle, I was a child of the hood!
SJ: After leaving St Matthews Grammar School for the interminably posh you went to Cambridge University, where you studied Psychology and eventually worked to get your MA.
KS: It's not true, ask some proper questions.
SJ: So, now weve informed the reader about your upbringing and character…
KS: That wasn't my upbringing. You're clearly a repressed homosexual who is battling an inferiority complex by resorting to Freudian means. And I never got me no degree in it.
SJ: How did you get an MA? Your last single was killed Lets kill some women then do some drugs. You're such a wanker.
KS: What do you know about it? I remember, weren't you the guy that called Tony Blair…
SJ: yea, a bit of a wanker. Can we just move on please?
KS: It was Newsround wasn’t it?
SJ: No, now about your new album…
KS: Blue Peter.
SJ: Fuck off. Now, your new album, 'Wot I Seds'. Is the title ironic or are you really thick as pig shit?
KS: Be honest, are the Blue Peter dogs bigger in real life than on telly?
SJ: Fuck off and answer the question.
KS: What was the question?
SJ: Is the title ironic?
KS: Right. Ok. Let's think... Aren't the presenters meant to like take speed or something so that they’'re all excitable?
SJ: FUCK OFF. Your lyrics encourage violence 'All I want is a place and a job/ I'm not some lazy man/a big fat slob/ let's shag and kill people' that's from your up and coming single 'Love Dogs'. To get an idea of just how tasteless King Soloman is I would like to remind readers that the RSPCA banned it from record stores because its cover showed King Soloman loving mans best friend.
KS: Did they let you say 'here’s one I made earlier?'.
SJ: That's fucking it!
(here the recording that Simon sent in gets a little fuzzy. It sounds like some one repeatedly beating something hard against a solid object. To begin with the something appears to be moaning but eventually it seems to grudgingly accept its role)
SJ: (muffled on the recording). Shit. I'd best leave the country for a bit.
bravenet.com